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Talkin' Smack: The God OS

The OS X prophecy fulfilled By Dave Nagel
Is there a God? It's a question that might seem a bit out of place in this oft-jovial, sometimes sardonic editorial page, and I'm certainly not intending this to be in any way blasphemous by asking it here. After all, I'm as opposed to drowning in a lake of fire forever as the next guy. Nevertheless, the question is a relevant one for these pages, and, at the risk of exposing my own hubris, I intend to explain this relevance and answer the question in 1,500 words or fewer.

First a note: If you are a timid person who doesn't like people taking a position different from yours, by all means, stop reading now. Go buy yourself a peecee, join AARP and start thinking of new ways to keep skateboarders off the public sidewalks. This is intended as a poignant, subtle treatise designed finally to break the schism between science and religion, and it is not meant for fragile, little beings. If you can't handle mere letters, words and phrases arranged in a particular pattern, you clearly lack the fundamentals for grasping the following concepts, and I urge you to go away. If you send me an angry letter, it will be owing to the fact that you read on despite this warning, and therefore you are simply too dense to know your own limitations.

The part you're not going to like
And now to the question. For many, the question of whether or not there is a God is a difficult one. An awful lot of people want to believe, but, with the exception of those few fortunate people who have actually seen manifestations of God or the Virgin Mary in a tortilla or something, nobody really knows for certain. At least that was the case up until Saturday.

You see, Saturday was the day Apple released Mac OS X 10.1. The world will never be the same.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "How does OS X 10.1 prove the existence of God?" You wouldn't be asking that question if you'd installed this latest version.

Proof of divinity takes several forms in Mac OS X 10.1. First, Apple gave away the update for free, despite the fact that it includes a full OS 9.2.1 install CD. That's a free full OS and a free upgrade OS all in one tight, little package. Now, as you know, it is physically impossible for Steve Jobs to give something away for free, unless it's a premium or some kind of incentive for consumers to buy an iMac (such as the first iMovie). This OS X upgrade is clearly neither. Therefore, it must have been divine intervention.

Second, this is an OS that can't crash. But there's not supposed to be an OS that can't crash, or at least no earthly OS. What we are seeing now is clearly an operating system created by divine engineers through a process of abiogenesis. Clearly. Because I swear to you I have been unable to crash this thing using all of the powers at my disposal. Yes, I can crash individual programs. But I can't crash the OS. And even crashing applications has been rare and confined to software clearly billed as beta (such as Internet Explorer and the RhapsOGL X visualizer for iTunes).

Third, this 10.1 release is the fulfillment of an ancient prophecy known as "Rhapsody." Its development may have taken many forms over the years, but, nevertheless, it is the fully functional modern OS that we've all been waiting so faithfully for lo these millennia. Now, it's very easy to make prophecies that will come true. You know, "A bad guy will rise to power in the government." That kind of thing. But a fully functional, modern OS that doesn't crash is something nobody could have guessed at. Therefore, this is bone fide evidence of the divine at work.

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  • Talkin' Smack: The God OS by DMN Editorial at Aug. 03, 2004 10:22 pm gmt (Rec'd 2)

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